10 Nov 2010

Feeling down

Haven't blogged for a while now, just haven't felt like it I guess. Thinking nobody reads this crap or something, well then I got an e-mail about a comment on my latest post, pointing out that I haven't posted in a while.
Well that got me to think that people are still reading therefor I've been going to make a new blog post but haven't found the right moment for it, and well now isn't the right moment either I guess.

What do I have to blog about? Absolutely nothing it feels like. I've been feeling a bit down lately, the past 10 years or so, no but really lately I haven't felt much if anything to be honest. Even earlier tonight at my rugby training I felt nothing, it didn't feel as good to train tonight as it is. And yet it was a killer training we were a lot of people and a lot of joy and sweat was at tonights training, but still I felt nothing.

Today I called in sick... or no actually I didn't even bother calling in sick. I wasn't really sick though, I just had a little bit of headache. What did I do, I lied in my bed staring at the wall. And it came to my mind that there was really just one place that I really like to be at, and that is in my bed alone, well I wouldn't mind some company to be honest but it hasn't really been looking like I'll be getting any the next 500000000000 years or so.

I actually went to the doctor's the other day about something, and she asked me how I felt, which I was pretty sure she would and I had decided in beforehand to say that I was feeling shit and have been for some years now. Well what do I do? Of course I tell her that I'm doing all right, and that I like school... I fucking hate school, only thing I hate more than school is the teachers. So saying this the doctor didn't pick up on my signals, as much as I want to complain to someone in real life, eye to eye, I just don't seem to be able to get myself to do it.
I really want to talk to a psychiatrist or whatever, just someone to talk to, doesn't even need to be a professional. Just someone I can trust and talk to about whatever it is that is bothering me and help me fix it.

I envy depressed people who have the courage to take the step to go and talk to a doctor or whatever. And I really envy those who have the friends and/or family that pick up on their signals and give them some help by either talking to them about things and/or helping them going to a doctor.

Now I don't want to sound more fucked up than I already am, and don't want to let anyone get the wrong ideas. I'm depressed but don't have the balls to do anything about it, I'm not far down enough to go and take my life. Even if the idea it self of fixing all my problems has come up occasionally in my mind, though I do not want to do that to my few friends or family that might actually care. And besides I do not want to be dead in a church graveyard or get some religious burial and well I think that's most likely the only option for those who die today, at least in the western world, especially where I live.

Well I do hope I'll be in a better mood next time and have something more enjoyable to blog about!

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